Tag Archives: Long Distance Relationships

Back by Popular Demand: How to Find the Right Condom

Condoms are the specialized athletic sportswear of the new millennium. There are more styles of condom than balloons in a circus. The range addresses a variety of user needs: size, sensitivity, lubrication, durability, taste, aesthetics, and allergies.

It’s easier to use (or go back to using, sigh) condoms when we find the brands and styles that are the most comfortable and the least interruptive for us-and then use them consistently and well. If you try to see condoms as a standard, nonnegotiable part of sex rather than a huge imposition, you’ll be playing safe while having more fun. (And if you think it’s an imposition, imagine the inconvenience of being HIV positive.)

MATERIALS

Condoms come in three main materials: latex, polyurethane, and lambskin. Lambskin only protects against pregnancy, though not sexually transmitted infections. Latex is the most common choice; polyurethane is popular with those who are sensitive or allergic to latex.

SIZES

Because no two penises are alike in size, shape or owner skill, condoms are increasingly made in various sizes and head styles. If you have a regular partner who isn’t a regular fit, try some of the sized condoms. Always go for reality (regular) over ego (jumbo extra large) for comfort and protection.

THICKNESS

Condoms can have thin or thick latex wall. Thinner walls are claimed to make the condom less noticeable, while thicker walls cut down on sensation to help a man last longer. Some “climax control” condoms actually use a small amount of benzocaine to slightly numb the penis.


FLAVOR

Latex will never be the flavor of the month at the local ice cream shop. But flavored condoms do make protected oral sex more fun. You can go for cooling mint, invigorating citrus, or tropical banana-it seems they come up with more flavors every year. Some brands offer a “warming” cinnamon or “tingling” peppermint, while others are more subtle, giving you just a hint of sweetness to alleviate the taste of latex. Condomania offers several sampler packs with a variety of brands and flavors, so don’t be afraid to experiment.

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Sexier Sex

by Regina Lynn

Recent Tips:

How Not to Fall in Love Online

If you’ve ever been in love, you know that there are as many ways to fall in love as there are people. You might also know that love can sneak up on you when you least expect it, and often when you’re actively Not Looking for it.

And still other times, we completely screw ourselfes up. For every true love that blooms online, you’ll find the dead petals of a dozen broken hearts. I believe that we need to go through those experiences to mature and appreciate a real love — yet at the same time, if I can save you some steps, I’ll gladly do so.

Here are some ways not to fall in love online.

  • Don’t have rigid expectations bordering on a checklist for everything you require in a partner.
  • Don’t get involved with multiple partners but demand that each one be exclusive to you.
  • Don’t demand that an online partner to be monogamous with you, e ven though you’re in an offline relationship.
  • Don’t rush the relationship. This is easy to do, given that online relationships tend to start from the inside and progress outward. You tell each other the most intimate secrets you hold long before you get to the part about your favorite color. The level of connection makes it feel more natural to leap to Decisions About The Future way too soon.
  • Don’t fool yourself into thinking you can separate online life from offline life. What happens online doesn’t stay online — even if you never meet with the person offline, your emotions are not confined to the Internet.

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Sexier Sex

by Regina Lynn

Recent Tips:

How to Evaluate a Chat Room in Ten Minutes or Less

It only takes a few minutes to assess a new chat community to see if its worth sticking around. These tips work whether the community is text-only, webcam, or 3D.

Leave If...

  • Half or more of the posts are URLs or read like spam subject lines
  • People are calling each other names
  • Nobody says anything for several minutes
  • You get a number of private messages but no one is talking in the public room
  • When you say “Hello, how is everyone today?” you get no responses

Stay if...

  • People greet you and welcome you
  • When you start talking, people talk back
  • At least one good conversation is taking place
  • People seem to know each other
  • Other women seem to be having a good time

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Consumer teledildonics update: HighJoy alive, Sinulator dead; plus, Virtual Sex Machine and RealTouch

I have not been able to get a response from Sinulator folks by email or by phone, and have received a few emails in the past few months from other people who have experienced the same thing. Sinulator was a growing thing when I wrote The Sexual Revolution 2.0 but you know how it is with those tech start-ups, particularly SEX tech start-ups.

HighJoy is still around, however. I corresponded with them this week (had to resolve a billing issue, which they took care of promptly and courteously).

highjoy

There’s also the Virtual Sex Machine if you don’t want the bother of finding an online partner first.

vsm

RealTouch appears to be going strong, but then, Sinulator hasn’t taken its website down either, so I’ll drop them an email and see what’s up. Like the Virtual Sex Machine, this one interacts with videos, not with humans on the other end of the internet.

Anyone else who has some teledildonics stuff going, please give us an update and a link in the comments. My focus has been on consumer-friendly stuff that doesn’t require a whole lot of tech-savvy to figure out, but I know there’s a lot more geekdildonics out there than n00bdildonics….

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Sexier Sex

by Regina Lynn

Recent Tips:

How To Craft a Personal Ad That Truly Expresses Who You Are

Most people surf through tens if not hundreds of profiles every time they search a dating site. If you sound like everyone else, you are going to be treated like everyone else.


Stop the boredom!
There are tons of articles about writing the perfect profile on sites like Yahoo Personals, Match.com, and Cupid.com, —and each one is slanted toward the profiles of the particular dating service. Online dating expert Evan Mark Katz offers advice and sample profile makeovers in his e-newsletter. Many, many books exist on the subject if you want to get obsessive about it.
However, these ten tips should get you started down the right path:

  • Know your audience, and speak to them. Search for the profiles of your target audience, and match your language to theirs. The subtle mimicking of words and ideas will attract the people who think the way you like.
  • Understand the site you are using. For example, in adult dating networks like AdultFriendFinder.com, you can get explicitly sexual and kinky in your text (although not as much so in your photos) without violating the tTerms of sService. At Match.com, however, you’ll find a more general audience, some of whom are likely to flag you for “offensive material” if you get too raunchy, ensuring that your profile never gets found. (Know thy screeners, as well as thy audience!
  • Show, don’t tell. Use your photos to paint the picture of a dog-loving, REI-shopping, adventurous world traveler. Instead of just putting in the stock head shots, post the picture of you standing on the Great Wall of China with your friends, or rolling in the mud with your Great great Dane. But don’t PhotoShop yourself onto a backdrop. One day, someone will ask you about that trip, and making up a good story can be tricky, especially if you’ve attracted a true world traveler with your pictures.
  • Stop with the clichés! Who cares if you are “fun- loving,” “funny” and “physically fit?” Blah. Everyone says that. Try instead…”: “My trainer has become one of my best friends—not only do we work out together 3x a week, but we visit the Saxon Pub at least once a month to see our favorite local guitarist hit some new riffs.” See… . . . fun and fit in the same sentence.
  • Be funny instead of saying you are funny. Yes, we know that men don’t tend to list “sense of humor” as high on their must-have lists as women do, but if you can elicit a laugh, you might catch the attention of someone who shares your quirky outlook on life. Most people will contact someone a person who  they feel a connection with, or a person who makes them feel happy. This may not apply to the brooding artists of the world, but then again, your dark- side- of- the- moon commentary might just attract the neighbor who secretly listens to you practicing your guitar on the back step at night. You just never know.
  • Yes, sex sells… . . . but again, know your audience. If you really are trying to find a quality connection, leave the sex for later. Otherwise,  you’re likely to be overwhelmed with come-ons from men you have no interest in, and you could miss a good one in the flood.  \When you meet – —ya either got it or ya don’t. Leave it under wraps till until you actually want to act on it. If you are on a site where hookups are the primary focus, then sex away, and revel in the power of free speech.

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Sexier Sex

by Regina Lynn

Recent Tips:

How to Delete Your Ex

When modern relationships end they leave behind more artifacts then a Pharaoh’s tomb. Email, instant messages, text messages, voice mails, digital pictures and video – and that’s just the personal stuff. What about blog post? Social networks? That tandem skydiving video you posted on YouTube?

You can’t do much about artifacts that have already gone public, but you can reduce your chance of stumbling upon a memento unprepared:

  • Block every handle your ex gave you and remove them from your buddy list.
  • Set your IM client to accept messages from only people already on your buddy list.
  • Remove your ex from your contact list so you don’t make yourself crazy monitoring his or her online habits.
  • Destroy all emails from and to. Don’t forget to search for your exes address in the “cc” and “bcc” fields as well as the “to” field.
  • Check My Pictures, My Documents and your attachments folder for images to send to the trash.
  • Delete your ex’s email from your address book, including from list of multiple recipients. Don’t forget to check your mobile devices too.

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How to Be an Audio Erotica Star

I first encountered audio erotica in 2003, the first time I covered the annual adult entertainment industry tradeshow for my Sex Drive column. Amidst all the flash and glitz was a beautifully appointed booth that looked more suited to Sephora than to Smitty’s Smut Shack. The banner said SOUNDS EROTIC, and I stepped up with a grin and asked “What’s that?”

Half an hour later, I had an excellent education in aural sex from husband-and-wife team Catherine and Brian Oliver-Smith.

Married with three children and another one the way, the couple had reached a point where they were too tired to transition from working parents by day to passionate lovers by night. They experimented with porn videos, but Catherine found them more tedious than titillating. Reading erotic stories worked better, but it required the reader to look at the words instead of the other person, and you had to stop fondling to turn the page. Yet it was impractical to call upon a third party to read to them while they kissed and caressed each other.

Recording erotic stories to play back in bed solved the problem. Brian and Catherine found that by the end of about seven minutes, their touches and gazes reawakened their bodies even as the story realigned their minds. Realizing that their plight was a common one for other parents, they launched a publishing company to bring this relationship-saver to other couples. They hire professional voice talent and choose stories specifically adapted for listening to, rather than reading.

You don’t have to be a professional to star in your own erotic recordings, although if you plan to publish the results, you need to make sure you have legal rights to the stories and any sound effects you use in your composition.

  • Choose (or write!) a story that turns you on. If you intend to use someone else’s story for purposes outside your personal relationship, make sure you have permission from the author first. Look for good writing that flows well when you read it aloud—it will sound different to your ear than when you read it to yourself.
  • Read through the entire story first, and make note of pronunciations you need to practice (or look up), phrases that tie your tongue, and anything that makes you blush or giggle. You can also mark areas where you want to slow down or speed up, drop your voice to a whisper, or add other dramatic touches. You might think you have no problem reading the descriptions, but you’d be surprised at how the most seasoned professional voices can suddenly be embarrassed or experience stage fright.
  • Take your time. Do not rush it. Think of trying for a slow seduction. As with any public speaking, you will think you are speaking way too slowly, and that’s about when it is perfect.

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How to Be a Voyeur (without Being a Creep)

You won’t need a trench coat and binoculars for this lesson, unless dressing up like a peeping Tom turns you on—in which case, I’m all for it.

One of the best ways to find out whether something turns you on is to watch other people do it and see how you feel. The Internet has given women the same opportunities to “just look” that men have had for centuries. Now that we know what’s out there, we’re taking great strides in improving it.

Visit any adult webcam room, and you quickly realize that the exhibitionists in the group need the voyeurs in order to fulfill their fantasies and get the most out of their experience. Just lurking, without a cam of your own, is enough to feed the performers’ need for an audience. Your presence fuels their fire, and their uninhibited sexuality can turn you on—and might even inspire you to try something new or exotic with your partner.
Try chatting with the webcam performer on things not related directly to sex. Unlike DVD performers, these sex workers are not typically professional talent. They’re more approachable as regular people. Ask about their day, or the clothes they’ve chosen, or their love lives. You’ll be surprised to find that webcam folks are just like the neighbors.
And if it turns out they are the neighbors? Now you know you have something in common.

Online Voyeurism Can:

  • Help you learn new sexual skills
  • Put your own desires into context (you’re not alone!)
  • Turn you on
  • Bring you closer to your partner
  • Validate your fantasies
  • Reduce your anxiety
  • Confirm your disinterest

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Sexier Sex

by Regina Lynn

Recent Tips:

How to (Politely) Reject Offers for Cybersex

It’s bound to happen. If you’re visiting an adults-only community online—and especially if it’s a coed area and you sound female—chances are you will be propositioned for cybersex.

I’ve heard women complain about how often they get propositioned in virtual spaces, whether it’s a 3D world or a text chat room. But I compare it to wearing a pretty dress and high heels. If you’ve obviously done yourself up all nice, people are going to compliment you on it. Likewise, if you’re in a space that is designed to facilitate sex, you have to expect that people will ask you about sex.

You are under no obligation to say yes. You cannot be physically threatened or coerced into sexual activity, and you have a Block or Ignore command if the person disregards your polite rejection and begins to pester you.

Online, a polite rejection is more than just good manners. It keeps the vibe pleasant for everyone within text-shot, it keeps you from getting wound up in arguments instead of flirting and playing, and it shows other interested parties the type of approach that doesn’t work for you.
Suggestions:

  • “I appreciate your invitation, although I must decline it.”
  • “No thank you! But good luck finding what you seek.”
  • “Thank you. Maybe another time?” (Caution: Use this only if you are interested in talking with the person in the future.)
  • “No thanks. I am just here to chat tonight.”
  • “Thanks hon, I’m waiting for my date tho. Good luck!”

When you are consistently respectful and polite, you earn respect and develop relationships that offer far more beneficial than the momentary satisfaction of verbally smacking the rude or clueless.


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Sexier Sex

by Regina Lynn

Recent Tips:

How to Compose Erotic Email

While English teachers groan and bemoan the supposedly “lost art” of letter writing, email has helped millions of women discover their inner Anaïs Nins and Pat Califias. (Hey, they didn’t call it “hotmail” for nothing.) It’s true that typing and sending an email takes less time than writing by hand and sealing and stamping envelopes. But as anyone who has ever tried to express love, longing, and lust with mere words can tell you, the composition process is just as painful as ever.

It’s worth it though. And you don’t have to be a professional writer or award-winning author to tingle your lover’s toes. These tips will have you crafting heart-pounding, blood-roaring prose so hot, your English teacher will forget that you didn’t write it out by hand.

  • Present tense works especially well, as it puts your lover immediately into the story: I wrap my arms around you, drawing you closer to me with each breath. Your pulse pounds in your throat; I can feel your heartbeat against my breasts.
  • Weave in details from your shared history to add authenticity and show your lover that you cherish the memories. For example, mention music from an artist you’ve seen in concert, set the scene in a familiar location, or include a favorite toy
  • Fantasy is fair game. If you can imagine it, you can write it—even if your body can’t do it. Email erotica can involve exotic destinations, improbable positions, impossible feats of stamina and stimulations, winged angel lovers from space
  • Even if you’re just dashing off a quickie to let your lover know you’re hot for them, try to engage the senses. Involve smells, tastes, textures, sounds, what things look like, how you feel, how you respond. Even porn stories don’t just list a series of actions (he touched, she sucked, he penetrated, they came). What sets erotic email apart from erotic short stories is that it’s all about your lover(s) and you, which means it’s a perfect vehicle for showing your appreciation for their talents, showing things you’d like to do, and giving them a window into your mind if you’ve been in a rut of work–kids–chores–sleep–repeat for a while.

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