Tag Archives: phone sex

How Not to Fall in Love Online

If you’ve ever been in love, you know that there are as many ways to fall in love as there are people. You might also know that love can sneak up on you when you least expect it, and often when you’re actively Not Looking for it.

And still other times, we completely screw ourselfes up. For every true love that blooms online, you’ll find the dead petals of a dozen broken hearts. I believe that we need to go through those experiences to mature and appreciate a real love — yet at the same time, if I can save you some steps, I’ll gladly do so.

Here are some ways not to fall in love online.

  • Don’t have rigid expectations bordering on a checklist for everything you require in a partner.
  • Don’t get involved with multiple partners but demand that each one be exclusive to you.
  • Don’t demand that an online partner to be monogamous with you, e ven though you’re in an offline relationship.
  • Don’t rush the relationship. This is easy to do, given that online relationships tend to start from the inside and progress outward. You tell each other the most intimate secrets you hold long before you get to the part about your favorite color. The level of connection makes it feel more natural to leap to Decisions About The Future way too soon.
  • Don’t fool yourself into thinking you can separate online life from offline life. What happens online doesn’t stay online — even if you never meet with the person offline, your emotions are not confined to the Internet.

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Sexier Sex

by Regina Lynn

Recent Tips:

How to Evaluate a Chat Room in Ten Minutes or Less

It only takes a few minutes to assess a new chat community to see if its worth sticking around. These tips work whether the community is text-only, webcam, or 3D.

Leave If...

  • Half or more of the posts are URLs or read like spam subject lines
  • People are calling each other names
  • Nobody says anything for several minutes
  • You get a number of private messages but no one is talking in the public room
  • When you say “Hello, how is everyone today?” you get no responses

Stay if...

  • People greet you and welcome you
  • When you start talking, people talk back
  • At least one good conversation is taking place
  • People seem to know each other
  • Other women seem to be having a good time

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Consumer teledildonics update: HighJoy alive, Sinulator dead; plus, Virtual Sex Machine and RealTouch

I have not been able to get a response from Sinulator folks by email or by phone, and have received a few emails in the past few months from other people who have experienced the same thing. Sinulator was a growing thing when I wrote The Sexual Revolution 2.0 but you know how it is with those tech start-ups, particularly SEX tech start-ups.

HighJoy is still around, however. I corresponded with them this week (had to resolve a billing issue, which they took care of promptly and courteously).

highjoy

There’s also the Virtual Sex Machine if you don’t want the bother of finding an online partner first.

vsm

RealTouch appears to be going strong, but then, Sinulator hasn’t taken its website down either, so I’ll drop them an email and see what’s up. Like the Virtual Sex Machine, this one interacts with videos, not with humans on the other end of the internet.

Anyone else who has some teledildonics stuff going, please give us an update and a link in the comments. My focus has been on consumer-friendly stuff that doesn’t require a whole lot of tech-savvy to figure out, but I know there’s a lot more geekdildonics out there than n00bdildonics….

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Sexier Sex

by Regina Lynn

Recent Tips:

How To Craft a Personal Ad That Truly Expresses Who You Are

Most people surf through tens if not hundreds of profiles every time they search a dating site. If you sound like everyone else, you are going to be treated like everyone else.


Stop the boredom!
There are tons of articles about writing the perfect profile on sites like Yahoo Personals, Match.com, and Cupid.com, —and each one is slanted toward the profiles of the particular dating service. Online dating expert Evan Mark Katz offers advice and sample profile makeovers in his e-newsletter. Many, many books exist on the subject if you want to get obsessive about it.
However, these ten tips should get you started down the right path:

  • Know your audience, and speak to them. Search for the profiles of your target audience, and match your language to theirs. The subtle mimicking of words and ideas will attract the people who think the way you like.
  • Understand the site you are using. For example, in adult dating networks like AdultFriendFinder.com, you can get explicitly sexual and kinky in your text (although not as much so in your photos) without violating the tTerms of sService. At Match.com, however, you’ll find a more general audience, some of whom are likely to flag you for “offensive material” if you get too raunchy, ensuring that your profile never gets found. (Know thy screeners, as well as thy audience!
  • Show, don’t tell. Use your photos to paint the picture of a dog-loving, REI-shopping, adventurous world traveler. Instead of just putting in the stock head shots, post the picture of you standing on the Great Wall of China with your friends, or rolling in the mud with your Great great Dane. But don’t PhotoShop yourself onto a backdrop. One day, someone will ask you about that trip, and making up a good story can be tricky, especially if you’ve attracted a true world traveler with your pictures.
  • Stop with the clichés! Who cares if you are “fun- loving,” “funny” and “physically fit?” Blah. Everyone says that. Try instead…”: “My trainer has become one of my best friends—not only do we work out together 3x a week, but we visit the Saxon Pub at least once a month to see our favorite local guitarist hit some new riffs.” See… . . . fun and fit in the same sentence.
  • Be funny instead of saying you are funny. Yes, we know that men don’t tend to list “sense of humor” as high on their must-have lists as women do, but if you can elicit a laugh, you might catch the attention of someone who shares your quirky outlook on life. Most people will contact someone a person who  they feel a connection with, or a person who makes them feel happy. This may not apply to the brooding artists of the world, but then again, your dark- side- of- the- moon commentary might just attract the neighbor who secretly listens to you practicing your guitar on the back step at night. You just never know.
  • Yes, sex sells… . . . but again, know your audience. If you really are trying to find a quality connection, leave the sex for later. Otherwise,  you’re likely to be overwhelmed with come-ons from men you have no interest in, and you could miss a good one in the flood.  \When you meet – —ya either got it or ya don’t. Leave it under wraps till until you actually want to act on it. If you are on a site where hookups are the primary focus, then sex away, and revel in the power of free speech.

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Sexier Sex

by Regina Lynn

Recent Tips:

How to Be an Audio Erotica Star

I first encountered audio erotica in 2003, the first time I covered the annual adult entertainment industry tradeshow for my Sex Drive column. Amidst all the flash and glitz was a beautifully appointed booth that looked more suited to Sephora than to Smitty’s Smut Shack. The banner said SOUNDS EROTIC, and I stepped up with a grin and asked “What’s that?”

Half an hour later, I had an excellent education in aural sex from husband-and-wife team Catherine and Brian Oliver-Smith.

Married with three children and another one the way, the couple had reached a point where they were too tired to transition from working parents by day to passionate lovers by night. They experimented with porn videos, but Catherine found them more tedious than titillating. Reading erotic stories worked better, but it required the reader to look at the words instead of the other person, and you had to stop fondling to turn the page. Yet it was impractical to call upon a third party to read to them while they kissed and caressed each other.

Recording erotic stories to play back in bed solved the problem. Brian and Catherine found that by the end of about seven minutes, their touches and gazes reawakened their bodies even as the story realigned their minds. Realizing that their plight was a common one for other parents, they launched a publishing company to bring this relationship-saver to other couples. They hire professional voice talent and choose stories specifically adapted for listening to, rather than reading.

You don’t have to be a professional to star in your own erotic recordings, although if you plan to publish the results, you need to make sure you have legal rights to the stories and any sound effects you use in your composition.

  • Choose (or write!) a story that turns you on. If you intend to use someone else’s story for purposes outside your personal relationship, make sure you have permission from the author first. Look for good writing that flows well when you read it aloud—it will sound different to your ear than when you read it to yourself.
  • Read through the entire story first, and make note of pronunciations you need to practice (or look up), phrases that tie your tongue, and anything that makes you blush or giggle. You can also mark areas where you want to slow down or speed up, drop your voice to a whisper, or add other dramatic touches. You might think you have no problem reading the descriptions, but you’d be surprised at how the most seasoned professional voices can suddenly be embarrassed or experience stage fright.
  • Take your time. Do not rush it. Think of trying for a slow seduction. As with any public speaking, you will think you are speaking way too slowly, and that’s about when it is perfect.

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How to (Politely) Reject Offers for Cybersex

It’s bound to happen. If you’re visiting an adults-only community online—and especially if it’s a coed area and you sound female—chances are you will be propositioned for cybersex.

I’ve heard women complain about how often they get propositioned in virtual spaces, whether it’s a 3D world or a text chat room. But I compare it to wearing a pretty dress and high heels. If you’ve obviously done yourself up all nice, people are going to compliment you on it. Likewise, if you’re in a space that is designed to facilitate sex, you have to expect that people will ask you about sex.

You are under no obligation to say yes. You cannot be physically threatened or coerced into sexual activity, and you have a Block or Ignore command if the person disregards your polite rejection and begins to pester you.

Online, a polite rejection is more than just good manners. It keeps the vibe pleasant for everyone within text-shot, it keeps you from getting wound up in arguments instead of flirting and playing, and it shows other interested parties the type of approach that doesn’t work for you.
Suggestions:

  • “I appreciate your invitation, although I must decline it.”
  • “No thank you! But good luck finding what you seek.”
  • “Thank you. Maybe another time?” (Caution: Use this only if you are interested in talking with the person in the future.)
  • “No thanks. I am just here to chat tonight.”
  • “Thanks hon, I’m waiting for my date tho. Good luck!”

When you are consistently respectful and polite, you earn respect and develop relationships that offer far more beneficial than the momentary satisfaction of verbally smacking the rude or clueless.


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Sexier Sex

by Regina Lynn

Recent Tips:

How to Pick the Best Type of Lover

This one’s easy. Find a geek.

Here are 5 reasons geeks make the best lovers.

  • Geeks build it so you will come

Second Life’s SexGen animation system, Red Light Center’s beautiful sex animations, and open-source teledildonics did not simply coalesce out of the mists during a marketing department meeting. These types of projects require strong technical know-how along with an open-minded approach to sexual variation. After all, you can’t build sex-tech that serves only your own preferences if you expect others to use it. Especially if you want them to buy it.  That geeks have the passion to commit their technical skills to expanding sexual options for everyone is evidence enough of their enthusiasm and dedication as lovers.

  • Geeks interact.

Where a technophobe is able to talk to you in person, a geek is also happy to be with you by texting your phone, flirting with you in a chat room, Skyping you, Twittering just in case you’re on your vibrating couch, sending funny cell phone snapshots to your email, playing online games, commenting on your blog, digging up articles that interest you, seducing you by instant message.

  • Geeks don’t shock easily.

Geeks have seen all the porn you can imagine and then some, priming them to be open to your sexual peccadillos. Geeks are not only less likely to be shocked by your exotic requests—they might not even realize that other people think your turn-ons are exotic. In fact, your geek lover might be relieved that your wildest fantasy involves only two other people, five utensils, and a trapeze.

  • Geeks know kinky people.

Geeks haven’t just seen a variety of positions, kinks, and fetishes in blue movies. Geeks know (or are) people who enjoy those things, so they don’t dismiss entire categories of sexual interests as the sole province of a bunch of weirdos in San Francisco.
It’s hard to sustain prejudice and bias against an abstract group when you develop relationships with individuals and discover they’re just like you. It doesn’t matter if they dress up like ponies, or refuse to conform to a societal idea of gender norms, or eat pancakes for dinner. Geek lovers know better than to try to impose their sexual preferences or standards on others—including your friends—and are more likely to love and let love.

  • Geeks understand multidimensional relationships.

Geeks connect with their online buddies in several guises, often getting to know the person behind the avatar as friendships deepen and move from adult communities to personal IM.
A geek can flow seamlessly between conversation about a friend’s partner and kids in one window and an elaborate group sex scene in another, without feeling any discontinuity between the personas—even if the friend is a forty-three-year-old father of two in IM but a twenty-two-year-old dominatrix in the group.
With all that going on, a geek has no problem accepting that sometimes you want mocha ripple cherry fudge chunk swirl with almonds and a waffle, and sometimes you want vanilla lite.

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Sexier Sex

by Regina Lynn

Recent Tips:

How To Have Cybersex

The old joke about typing one-handed doesn’t cover the half of it. Entire books have been written on this subject, and although many of the other lessons in this book touch on important aspects of cybersex, in this lesson, the focus is on the mechanics of it all.

  • Play with language. I don’t care if you’re on webcam and have 3D avatars to boot—language is the foundation of cybersex, and language is the bridge between your minds, hearts, and bodies. Use words that shock and awaken; use imagery drawn from the erotic, the pornographic, and the innocuous. Weaving literary metaphor with raunchy sex talk keeps you both engaged.
  • Don’t disappear halfway through. You wouldn’t in real life, and you shouldn’t in cybersex. If you think you will be interrupted, stick with flirting and save the cybersex for another day.
  • Select a handle you can stand to read and hear on a regular basis in a sexual context. “HotMama” will serve you better than “JakesMom,” for example.
  • Don’t be self-conscious or worried about your spelling or writing. As long as you say what you’re imagining, you’ll do fine.
  • Learn the power of “Mmmm”—a cybersex essential. Use it when you can’t think of anything to say but it’s your turn to type, when your lover says something so arousing you need to stop typing for a moment but need to show you’re still there, and when the other is in the middle of writing an elaborate setup and needs a response but not help from you.

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Sexier Sex

by Regina Lynn

Recent Tips:

How to Get Your Lovers to Send You Hot Text Messages, Even If They Don’t Want to at First

It’s almost incomprehensible, but did you know that many people aren’t interested in hot texting?

Shocking, I know.

But if you are at all word oriented, your lover needs to make an effort to connect with you in this way. No ifs, ands, or buts. It’s amazing, what those 160 characters can do. They can say “I’m thinking of you” or “I love you” or “I want to bury myself between your thighs and not come up until you’ve climaxed six times.” Sometimes all that in a single message.

These are some of the ways I’ve had success in teaching lovers to text me:

  • Ask them to text you sometimes, and explain how much you appreciate their effort and thoughtfulness. Remind them it doesn’t have to be Nobel-winning poetry, just an honest note.
  • Send them hot texts telling them what you want to do with them next time you see them, and then following through, so they make the connection between hot text—foreplay—lovemaking.
  • Point out that song lyrics that have meaning for you make wonderful text messages.
  • Show them a way they can text your phone from a web interface. Google and Yahoo both make applications that let you send a message to almost any phone, as do the phone companies and texting websites.Remind them that pictures are worth a thousand words, so even if a picture message costs more to send, it’s also worth 6.25 text messages.
  • Short words work really well in text. Think of all the wonderful four-letter nouns and verbs the two of you can share. Unlike email, there’s no big blank page daring you to fill it up.

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Sexier Sex

by Regina Lynn

Recent Tips:

How to Meet Your Online Lover in Person

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The basics safety guidelines of meeting an online lover in person for the first time are the same as those I’m sure you’d follow on any first date: Tell someone where you’ll be and when, arrange to check in by phone at a certain time, get your date’s full name and contact information, and avail yourself of some Google searches before agreeing to meet (and make sure to meet in a public place).
But there’s more. Meeting an online lover in person carries with it a heady mix of anticipation, desire, and expectation—balanced against your intellectual understanding that things might not work out as you hope.

Meeting Kit

  • Safer sex supplies: Condoms, dental dams, lube, arnica ( in case you get delightful bruises you don’t want to bring home)
  • Toys or other props that have special meaning for the two of you
  • The address and phone numbers of alternate lodgings in case you need to go to get to a safe place quick
  • Pajamas, toothbrush, clean underwear
  • Enough cash for cab fare if you need to leave in a hurry
  • A credit or debit card with enough room on it to get yourself out of there in the event of an emergency or a threat to your personal safety
  • Phone numbers of local friends, or friends of friends
  • Objects you’ve wanted to show each other: photo albums, figurines, clothing, fetish wear
  • Presents!
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Sexier Sex

by Regina Lynn